But is THIS really love? | The Feeling of Falling in Love by Mason Deaver

Mason Deaver’s The Feeling of Falling in Love is one-half authentically messy teen romance and one-half deeply upsetting justification and/or rug-sweeping of parental neglect. The two halves combine to create a weird book that I enjoyed but was simultaneously deeply disturbed by. The end result was a mostly positive experience, but my thoughts on this novel are…mixed.

The Teenage Love Story Half

Firstly, I very much appreciate that Mason Deaver went there with their main character, Neil. From the word “go,” Neil’s personality announces itself with trumpets blaring—and it’s a crappy personality. Neil is classist, judgmental, self-centered, and rude. He is so absorbed in his own (very real) traumas that he neither recognizes nor cares that he uses others as emotional punching bags. He is emotionally constipated, pathologically avoidant of authentic human connection, and drowning in self-loathing. Basically, he’s a peach!

Yet I found Neil’s abrasive assholery to be refreshing and realistic. It was nice to see a chaotic, unlikable shitstain of a kid get to find love and try to be better. We are, all of, us, chaotic and unlikable shitstains at least 25% of the time, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Neil is such a horridly human character, whose mistakes and flaws are not small. Deaver is perhaps too forgiving and protective of Neil, but they do not write around the fact that Neil is…difficult.

Of course, the issue with writing an unlikable shitstain as your romantic lead is that you have to really sell the redemption arc and subsequent grovel. The Feeling of Falling in Love makes a valiant attempt, but doesn’t quite stick the landing.

The book begins with Neil deciding that he has to “prove” to his former friend-with-benefits, Josh, that Neil never had feelings for him; so Neil decided to fake date his low-income academic scholarship roommate in order to “force” Josh to move on. (There’s already so much for Neil unpack with his therapist, and this is only the first few pages.) Fake dating is a classic and reliable romance trope, and Neil’s blatant “the lady doth protest too much” motivations aside, the premise is strong.

Unfortunately, fake dating works best when Party A has not relentlessly bullied Party B for the past year. Prior to the beginning of The Feeling of Falling in Love, Neil subjected his roommate Wyatt to unprovoked mockery and disrespect for the entirety of their relationship. Some of Neil’s behaviors have approached outright abuse, such as when he purposefully tracked dirt into their dorm room after Wyatt had just swept the floor. It absolutely makes sense why Neil, who cannot even recognize the existence of other people’s feelings, much less empathize with them, would turn to the most convenient person to enact his manipulative and controlling plot against Josh. It makes less sense why Wyatt would agree, or why it would turn out that Wyatt has secretly had feelings for Neil all along. (Something for Wyatt to unpack in therapy, I guess.)

This is not a relationship I would want to happen in the regular course of things. But I think that with some careful writing and deep emotional growth on Neil’s part, there could have been a very believable romantic arc. The fact that the book is narrated only in first person from Neil’s perspective is a limiting factor, as is the fact that the entire story unfolds in just 10 days. There simply isn’t the space, narratively or chronologically, for the author to believably demonstrate that Neil has (a) understood the gravity of his actions and (b) has taken steps toward accountability for his emotional hang-ups. Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.

But, honestly, whatever. These kids are 16! Their brains are incapable of thinking in the long-term. They’re looking for an attractive buddy with whom to watch movies and have awkward dorm room sex. I am elderly, and my priorities are different. I cannot and do not fault teenagers for being teenagers. Taken for what it is, The Feeling of Falling in Love is a romance that hits the rights spots and leaves a (mostly) satisfying aftertaste when it’s done.

The Dysfunctional Family Bullshit Half

The insta-lovey made-for-Hollywood feel-good love story is what it is. I accept it. However, I am deeply concerned—nay, aghast and appalled—by the hand-wavy, rug-sweepy manner in which Deaver “resolves” Neil’s conflict with his mother, which is the origin point and driving force behind most of his questionable choices.

Any story that involves an emotionally neglected trans kid apologizing to their neglectful, transphobe-enabling parent for “hurting mommy’s feelings” when they expressed their pain in a “mean” way can go straight to jail. Parent/child relationships are not the venue for “well I guess we both share equal blame in this” both-sides-ism rhetoric. Fuck off with that.

To recap: Neil’s mother is a control-freak millionaire who avoids conflict for the sake of “maintaining appearances” and who throws money at her son as if that substitutes for love, affection, and emotional attunement. When Neil came out to her as trans, his mom tossed him into counseling and found doctors to provide him with hormone replacement therapy and gender-affirming surgery. She did not take an active part in his transition or provide him with any personal support; meanwhile, she campaigns on social media about how important it is to protect trans kids, etc., because that aids her own public image. [Side note: I highly doubt that doctors would give top surgery to a 14-year-old who had only recently socially transitioned and begun psychotherapy. The fact of Neil’s surgery is (a) unrealistic, (b) unnecessary to the plot, and (b) serves mostly to affirm transphobic GOP talking points. But I digress!]

Then, when a confused and attention-starved Neil starts acting out and engaging in risky behaviors, Neil’s adult brother and his mom decide to ship him off to a boarding school on the other side of the country (thus severing him from the therapeutic providers he absolutely needed). Not once does Neil’s mother check on him, ask about his emotions, or give any indication that she cares for him.

Additionally, and worst of all, Neil’s mother forces him to spend vast quantities of time with transphobic relatives who deadname him and who just suck in general. His mom never intercedes on his behalf or stands up for her son, instead becoming angry at Neil for not pretending that their family is perfect and wonderful.

tl;dr: this lady is a fucking terrible parent

As is to be expected, Neil can only repress his emotions and comply with his mom’s soulless perfectionism for so long. The emotional climax of the novel occurs when Neil explodes and lets his mother know how much pain she has caused him. This was a wonderful, cathartic scene, and a reality check that this woman definitely had coming. Here was where Neil got to be authentic and vulnerable and real.

Yet Deaver utterly ruined it.

Immediately after Neil tells his mother off, he is visited by various individuals who spout the familiar bullshit: but she’s your mom! and you really hurt her feelings! and you don’t know everything she’s done for you! and she’s tried her best! Blah blah blah. So then Neil ends up apologizing to his mom, because you know, she really does love him and he shouldn’t have spoken to her that way.

Absolutely fucking not. Hell no.

Neil’s mother was not trying her best. And even if she had been, it’s irrelevant. Regardless of his mom’s intentions, Neil’s experiences are valid and his pain his real. It is never ever ever EVER a child’s job to excuse or justify a parent’s actions when those actions resulted in serious harm. Particularly in situations when no true accountability is taken, nor a desire for change manifested. Although his mom “apologized” to him, it was a shitty apology, and she did NOT promise to start intervening when transphobic relatives deadname Neil. Ma’am, protecting your child from cruelty while they are in the (alleged) safety of their own home is the bare fucking minimum you can do as a parent. And you refused to do even that much.

I don’t know Mason Deaver, I don’t know their background, nor do I know how they intended the family dynamics in this book to be perceived. I do know that too many trans kids come from families like Neil’s. I know that emotionally neglected children never stop yearning to be seen and loved for their authentic selves; I know that there is a ravenous hunger that only unconditional love from a caregiver can satisfy. I know that while it is easy to fantasize about “fixing” a dysfunctional family system, true healing is a long and difficult process. For these reasons, I believe that The Feeling of Falling in Love does a disservice to its vulnerable teenage audience, both in the way it brushes aside the severity of emotional neglect, and also in the way the text fails to truly hold Neil’s mother accountable.

All kids—but trans kids especially—deserve so much more than the empty platitude of “your neglectful, transphobic parent means well; they were trying their best.”

Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.