Confessions of a Problematic Reader | The First Snowdrop by Mary Balogh

Straight up, nobody should read this book. Pick a different book. Any book! The “hero” is trashy garbage straight from hell. And yet I was won over in the end. In spite of my better judgment, the feels attacked and I started to root for this toxic man and his poor, long-suffering wife. I salute Mary Balogh even as I hang my head in shame.

This is a marriage of convenience novel wherein the Viscount Merrick is forced to marry an impoverished gentlewoman after he gets stranded in her house during a blizzard, thereby compromising her. Merrick is your typical wealthy white Regency romance hero: selfish, conceited, callous, etc. When he first arrives at heroine Anne’s house, he assumes she’s a serving girl. He demands she clean his clothes, serve him dinner, and give him a bed. He also briefly considers raping her, because he’s such an upstanding gentleman:

Why had he suddenly displayed that pointless gallantry? … She would not have stopped him. She would certainly have helped warm the bed on a night like this. But of course, there would have been the tears, and perhaps hysterics, afterward. And such an innocent probably would have allowed him to get her with child.

Of course, the next morning, Anne’s brother wades through the snow and discovers that his younger sister has been compromised. Horror! Shame! Debauchery! He demands that Merrick marry Anne, and a highly flabbergasted Merrick does so straight away.

It’s worth noting at this point that poor Anne is poor, frumpy, and believes herself to be ugly and overweight. She genuinely thinks that Merrick is proposing to her because he loves her, as she interpreted the attempted rape (see above) rather differently than I did. She’s absolutely thrilled that such a handsome man would offer for her. The couple proceeds to marry, and Anne enjoys what she perceives to be a passionate, fulfilling wedding night. She’s ecstatic.

Merrick, however, is in a whole other universe. He feels trapped and unhappy with how things have turned out (natural) and is embarrassed to have assumed Anne was a servant. But like any person with a serious lack of emotional intelligence, he takes his unhappiness and self-flagellation and turns it outward. Clearly, Anne tricked him into marriage! That slut! That conniving fat bitch! How dare she pull the wool over his eyes!

He had fallen surely into a cleverly laid trap. Miss Anne Parrish might be completely lacking in feminine attractions, but she had considerable intelligence…. She must have realized, little dowd that she was, that this was the great chance of her life. If she could only seduce him—yes, indeed, it was she who had been the seducer—she would be able to force him into marriage.

Etcetera, etcetera.

Man: *contemplates raping a complete stranger*

Also Man: THAT UGLY WHORE TRIED TO SEDUCE ME, CAN U BELIEVE IT.

Anyway. These are Merrick’s thoughts on the wedding night:

Merrick half-smiled down at his bride. He wanted to humiliate, even hurt her. She had schemed to acquire him as a husband. Let her take the consequences, find that she had a husband who would not be content with a discreet exercise of his rights. He lowered his head to hers, took her mouth beneath his parted lips, and nibbled lightly at her lips until they relaxed.

…right. So at this point, we are all yearning to set Merrick’s dick on fire and give Anne his balls to mount on her wall as war trophies, right? This book is effing terrible! Mary, how could you?!

I kept reading, as one does. You will be unsurprised to learn that a large chunk of the book is Merrick being a dick to poor, undeserving Anne. You will probably also be unsurprised to learn that Anne has a complete transformation and becomes thin, beautiful, stylish, and self-confident. At some point she realizes that her feelings for Merrick are WHOLLY undeserved, and she proceeds to give him one of the most delicious set-down speeches ever written. I cheered, my friends, oh how I cheered.

Anyways, then there are some miscommunications where they both start getting along, but both are convinced that the other still hates their guts. There’s a dramatic reconciliation in (another) snowstorm as Anne gives birth to a surprise(!) baby. Then Merrick, still thinking that Anne hates his guts, tells her “Don’t worry, I’ll just take this baby that you squeezed out of your own vagina and stay in London, and you’ll never have to think about me or this inconvenient child ever again. Problem solved.” (Hetero men are so fucking dumb sometimes, I swear.)

Anne, understandably, loses her absolute shit: “You can’t take my baby! She’s all I have, you hideous monster!” And then everybody has a lot of Big Feelings and there are Declarations of True Love and a Happily Ever After.

Phew.

This book is so terrible, why did I like it so much? Don’t even @ me.

So, as I said at the top of this review. Nobody should ever read this book! Mary Balogh is a great romance writer, but she has some truly terrible novels. This is one of them. I got hooked in by the pleasure of watching Anne make Merrick realize what an insignificant toad he is. Very satisfying. Plus there were so many miscommunications! I had to see if these dumdums ever got their wires uncrossed. The drama! The suspense!

In conclusion: The First Snowdrop is a romance in which a man treats his wife like absolute garbage. The fact that he’s ashamed of how he treats her and knows he’s doing it because he actually hates himself doesn’t exactly make up for it. But I liked it anyway, partially because I loved Anne and partially because Balogh created such a REALISTIC portrayal of toxic masculinity in Merrick. I mean, she really nails down what makes misogynistic men tick. Also this book scratches that weird “awful man is redeemed and turns himself into a good husband” itch that seems to persist across centuries.

Okay I’m done. I am not defending this book; however, I am defending my right to be a problematic fan.

Thank you for your time.